June 10th, 2020

​I met two men today. One was intentional and the other fated. I was situated at the picnic table under the gazebo, typing. Working on “Will my past Gobble my Future”. I had been there for a couple of hours lost in my amygdala, many individuals visited that gazebo and left and I did not see any of them and yet their presence was noticed. 

The emotions of others are not so subtle to me, they demand my interference or my witness. The second he stepped his first big toe underneath the gazebo I was disrupted. I quickly said, “Hello!”. He replied and then offered me half of his sandwich. I declined. He then asked me, “How was I holding up?”. I despise this question because I will never give the warranted response. How am I holding up? Just well as no social platform regulates my spine. No government entity can ever infect me to the point that I would need to be like all others. 

Despite his walking in the sun almost daily to the bread shop and then to the gazebo, this has become his routine since he has been forced to work at home and cannot find the appreciation of it. I get it there no longer exists a work and life balance of separation when one has to unwillingly work from home. Imaginary lines mingle and boundaries are no more. Conditioned to do what one is supposed to do when at home to unwind from work and draw a black chalk of boundary by leaving work stuff on the other side of the threshold. 

It’s a battle of maintaining domestication and the discipline of work. For some going to a place of work was part of socializing. Now it’s a done deal and him like others feel that no physical human contact is daunting. Even though they alter themselves just to fit in. I cannot relate. 

In order to avoid any other words in regards to Coronavirus, I took an interest in him. We talked about how he lived his entire youth in Nigeria. Quickly, I asked, “What happened to your accent?”. He responded with I had to get rid of it in order to be accepted. As opinionated as I am on this type of behavior, I only expressed my surprise that I did not imagine the science industry would be so vain. We also discussed  his recent separation from his husband, how his Dad preferred to go live with his children that has kids, and science. 

I love science. He was impressed that I had watched Planet Ocean. His “lunch” break was over and before he faded, he said, “I hope to see you again!”. It was good to be able have a conversation about science that was not in any class room setting or a therapist fascinated with my abilities. 

Doctor A Brown, I wrote it that way because he asserts himself as if “Doctor” is his first name. And if you allow him, he will convince you that is. We were meeting at the gazebo for a CPR Challenge. Of course he was late. After the challenge was over I had to know what type of doctor was he exactly. A psychologist, he responded. I told him that I had talked about his name situation with my acquaintances and that we all had a good laugh on his be half. 

It was not long before I became the topic. He was stoked. I shared a bit of my history with him and my recent episodes. He asked me questions and I answered them. For some therapists I am too much work. I think it is because they are afraid I will figure them out first. Others know that I am too much. Hell I know that I am too much, perhaps that is why I allow myself to be free. And a few are fascinated and offer up an “intelligent” theory that I have come to understand. 

Like my therapist he continuously told me, “You’re not crazy.”. I know my therapist tells me that all the time. And assures me that I am “normal” for my conditions. We both laughed. I then explained to him that I do not have any desire to be “fixed” or medicated. Really think about it, my mind is its own intricate puzzle of compartments that are on lock and key. My own mind my baffles me and I do not even attempt to fight with it. These professionals think they can just tell me to my ears, I no longer need these safety mechanisms my mind has created. And poof like magic, they will all just creep away. Not likely as they are who I am. 

I think that is why Mindfulness in more important than any therapist. Mindfulness allows one to embrace all aspects and be in the moment with each and every person, place, thing, or thought. If I give into a notion of being “fixed” I would waste away. Chasing a theoretical idea that would lead to making me “fit in”. 

One therapist suggested her goal was to change my behavior. Just the thought of it indicates she might as well cut off my arms at the radius and then push me up to a type writer and force to me to type the alphabet in alphabetical order. Not possible. I do not have a problem with what I refer to as my Super Human Strengths, I just want to better understand them in order to better understand all of me in order to minimize my triggers.