Today I made it to Seekers Church. I cannot express enough how fellowshipping with these whole individuals have inspired my whole existence in my now. An existence that I have such a strong desire to be whole.
Today I realize that I fear people. Not in the sense that they will cause bodily harm to me but in the sense that they will not have my best interest at heart. My first caregivers didn’t consider me, my life, nor my existence. How could I have humble beginnings if I spent infancy and my childhood trying whole heartedly to preserve my being?
How does a Baby fight for her life? She doesn’t. I often think of the doctors, nurses, and whomever that fought for me. Who stood up for this baby when her own parents chose not to. I wish I could tell them that I did not take their gift for granted. I am forever grateful and appreciative to their love and abilities. I guess owing a debt that huge has always made me compassionate.
When dealing with broken and hurt individuals they are a reflection of this pain. Mishandling others. I no longer want to mishandle others. I want to be present in the moment when dealing with others. Offering them, my undivided attention, a silent tongue in order to turn on a ear for listening, and offering wisdom if solicited. Simple mindfulness in all that I do.
I made decisions that benefited others because I never considered myself a factor in anything in regards to other individuals. No one could possibly want all of me. I couldn’t get anything or ask for anything without having something to give first. My relationships micmic the encounters I had with molesters and dealings of incest. “We take care of each other.” is what I call it. Now I am calling it bullshit. Realizing how past experiences indirectly latch on to our beings. I don’t know how to shake them off. Now, I do know that I cannot re-wire my conditioned thought patterns without the help of others. No better individuals to seek with than the ones I have in my life right now.
Seekers Church ask plenty of probing questions. And everyone that I have answered has lead me to where I am at this very moment. Sitting Three businesses down from their doors inside Starbucks. Allowing tears to drip off of my chin. I am not ashamed and don’t give a fuck if anyone notices. This is my moment. The next Seekers Class that I am taking is about Genesis. I am on my new beginning, I get to be my own parent. This class will help me establish the connections within myself to build me into the whole I am meant to be. I need not worry about how to get there as I know I am destined to get there. My faith is astounding when I have my eye on the prize.