I have toggled with whether or not I wanted to share this process with you. After several no(s), it hit me, how could I not? I began this journey just the other when I asked those three probing questions. I shared them with you and I have to share this as it is the first step of me putting both my soul and spirit on display. You know getting over those moments of numbness and allowing all my vulnerability to hang freely.
In the presence of most I am this little neat well put together package. You know the kind you would get from Macys. Most of the time I am viewed as bourgeois or one who desperately wants to be Anglo American. All are the furthest from the truth.
I have experienced things and seen such situations that have left me baffled until this day. I am most likely the deepest and honest person anyone will ever know. Yet, individuals assume I am shallow and would not even know where to find the kitchen in my own place. I just chuckle and feel such a simple minded individual is not worth the explanation nor the time it would take to share my life’s work.
My life’s work has been to preserve my mind, joy, and spirit. And to lead by example as I accomplish such hardening task. My first months of life was not focused on ensuring grow up with a silver spoon in my mouth. And I am sure that is similar to many others out there.
We all have a inner baby or child that has witnessed more than one should. That inner little person maybe hurting, scarred, afraid, confused, isolated, lonely, sad and I’ll stop there as I can go on and on. If it took place in infancy it is difficult to go back to restructure the experience. Trust, I have tried. I had fears that I could not explain, at least until one day I thought about what would a baby fear that was all alone in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by unfamiliar people? At that time my fears came to light and I have been working towards them.
In speaking with my Priestess, she familiar with all of my woes suggested I become my own mother. How would I make things better for my inner 👶? At first I thought that was 😜. Then the book I am reading suggested something similar. So yesterday I wrote to my inner 👶 as if I was her mother. I read it over and over again and today I rewrote it. And my body experienced a physiological energy of release, I think it was the reassurance that I was on to something.
Below you will find the letter I wrote. Whomever you are I hope that it sends you on your own discovery and healing process. As always I welcome feedback and suggestions and thank you for your time.
“Dear Hamhocks (So my Grandma thought I had thick thighs… 😂)
As you fight for your life you don’t know it now. Your were gifted with the most precious gift that could ever have been provided. Only three months old and it has already manifested itself within your soul. This present that is ultimately yours, spiritually connects you to everyone before you who have answered to your name. Your name is your given ancestral birth right. It provided you with the strength to beat your life’s first challenge. No one will ever call you by any other name.
I’ve seen it spelled Okemah, Okimaw, and Okima they all bear the same meaning. Anyone placed above high by their people. Tribal Chiefs were called by your name. You were designed by the spirit of a warrior. You won my darling you won!
If I was your mother I would have embraced you day and night. The two of us would have been curled up neatly together as one. I would have rocked you when you cried. Kept you close and rarely left your side. You wouldn’t have known cold loneliness nor awoke to unfamiliar faces. The normal sized workers would not have appeared so catastrophic. You would have been easy when they attended to your care. You wouldn’t have had to turn to your thumb for comfort and support. You would have had all the nurturing I had to give. You would have had felt safe and secure. I would have trusted that I am your mother and my duty as such. Just so that in return you could trust me.
Hell if I was your mother you would not have ended up in that hospital bed at all. The angered energy that prompted the course set for you would not have been considered by me. I would recognize you as the innocent bystander that you were. And in no way would you ever have suffered what was intended for him. As your mother I would have forgiven your father and made peace with the nature of his ways. I would have trusted that I am your mother and my duty as such. Just so that in return you could trust me.”.