Kidnapped by my mind

Where have I been since my last blog? Physically, I sunk into some unknown routine. Mentally, I have been hijacked by my mind. Literally! I just read in my notebook “One hundred Days of Mental Awareness from Dec 10, 2019 until March 19, 2020.”. WOW! Is all that I have to say. February 27, 2020 was my last journal entry and it was in reference to trying to process a guy masturbating in front of me on a Metro Train, the Green line to be exact. And my last video recording of several recordings I made within the one hundred days was on Feb 22, 2020 and it also was concerning the same journal entry. 

I know that I had disassociated big time during that ordeal trying to tell myself it really wasn’t what it had seemed. I felt that due to my history of sexual abuse that I was sensitive and perhaps overreacting. Despite his behavior, I tried to avoid all images and the situation entirely. 

I thought it was like a situation I had seen in Church of a male member touching the small of the back of another male member. Right away, I felt uncomfortable. Even though neither of them appeared to be bothered by the touch, it triggered me. This jerk had his hands in underwear with continuous movement and intentionally situated himself so that I could witness his skill. 

I wrote poems, journaled, and made recordings to acknowledge all that I had encountered within those one hundred days. Or should say, all the times that I was triggered. Needless to say I made it to 100 Days of Mental Awareness as I found a poem dated March 4, 2020:

I am not Broken 
I am not difficult, mean, complicated or any other UGLY adjective you’d like to use to make me feel inferior...I possess character enhancements (PTSD, OCD, Dissociation, Separation Anxiety) that cannot be bought from a doctor nor altered...they’re survival mechanisms and preservation of mental intellect...Super Human Strengths...I am not a piece of a pie with missing slices, I am whole.
And so are those like me!

That was my conclusion. 

I know I had a few readers, it is very important for me to share my experiences so that others know that you all are not alone. Not to mention there exist many options other than turning to less desired options like drugs (prescribed or self administered) and alcohol. 

As always I appreciate you for reading and please feel free to comment/share.