Cocoon Time...

​What are some big things you need to work on? Lately, I have asked myself this question more than once. I need to examine the reason I choose to date men of Color. I need to work on not giving unsolicited advise. And last but not least I need to learn how to be vulnerable. No particular order, I just need to evaluate, analyze, eliminate and/or make an adjustment(s).

I assume dating is always a preference according to whom one is attracted to. Honestly, I have an attraction to all. I remember in junior high, I was told that I flirt with men and women across the spectrum. Still not certain as to when, why, or how that was observed. I grew up around plenty of dating across different cultures and ethnicities. I am mostly compatible with a man who just happens to be arrogant and intelligent. As I truly believe that true intelligence possesses a natural dose of arrogance. I seem to have the best conversations and mutual understanding with men who are not of Color. Perhaps, I get in the way as I always think they just want the experience of being with a person of Color. I want the experience of enjoying the company more than due to the hues of one’s skin. I guess with men of Color, there doesn’t exist any reason to question their motive and that is the comfort. Looks like as usual I need to get out of my own way. Stop making assumptions and let go and let flow. 

I have at least five lifetimes of experience. Not ever do I want anyone to experience what I have and often times I offer unsolicited advise. My reasoning is that I wish one would have cared enough about me not to allow me to go down those rabbit holes. The truth is once you know something you cannot unknow it. This element requires elimination. Zip thy lip, lock it and throw away the key. Just listen. I tried it yesterday for the first time when my twenty-one year old told me that she is getting married. Now that I think about it, perhaps it was the shock that left me speechless. Either way I did not offer up any ideas or assumed end conclusions. Now I have to work on eliminating the desire that leads me to think I am being helpful when offering unsolicited advise. I am usually venture on two extremes. The opposite of that would be not to give a fuck, its not my life. So which desire would be stronger??? More than likely to give advise will out weight the other. Some how I need to psych myself out or just follow attentive listening skills. And when he/she is done talking, move on. Some individuals are too fake to say he/she doesn’t want your advise.  Me on the other hand will tell you, I did not ask you what I need to do. AH! 💡 just take my own advise.

The previous two were easy. Those many lifetimes of experiences have made me an armor that I can’t get around. I have forgiven those who have wronged, those who feel I have wronged them, and myself. No hard feelings, no love lost, and no regrets for my decisions that I have made. I can be vulnerable with myself, just not with others. Most individuals first description of me is that I am strong. I loath it when it abruptly hits my ears. As the individual throwing it up thinks that I can handle all the B.S. that he or she wants to give. Perhaps I am capable. The question is whether or not I am willing.

I don’t think being vulnerable is about crying and being weak. I think it is more about trust. A child is the most vulnerable and as a child I dealt with molestation, incest, abandonment, separation anxiety, disappointment, and one or more bouts of PTSD. Yes, I have survived all of those without any abuse of alcohol, drugs, or sex.  The thoughts that have embedded themselves in my fiber from those practices are what makes me mad. No child could have appropriate thoughts from inappropriate behavior. Thousands of questions and no one to answer them, only access to the thoughts left behind by the boogie men and the other erroneously assumed. Like no one wants me or loves me. 

I need to be vulnerable for Mindful Edibles in order to reach out to people, to network, to connect with clients and knowing this scares the hell out of me. I need to find my vulnerability in order to believe that I am doing something great, someone wants what I have to offer, and that someone is genuinely interested in what I am pursuing. How does the butterfly escape from its cocoon? No lessons, it just instinctively knows what to do. How does a snake shed its skin? In time it just does. Do they anticipate the moments that are to come? So perhaps this moment isn’t my time. Am I in a stage of anticipation willing vulnerability to come? 

Some may think my sharing is vulnerability. I don’t agree as your reading does not pose any risk to me. Even if one was to leave an unfavorable comment, it really wouldn’t be about me. It’s my own thoughts that armor me and keep me bound to unpleasantries. 

Once again, Thanks in advance for reading! Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments.